Get in!
Feel that buzz? You know “the buzz”. Cuz its all so exciting yeah. The frakkin wedding of the year yo. Fuck yeah. You pumped?
Me? I’m so epically off my tits with foaming-at-the-mouth excitement its causing me to vibrate at such a frequency that I’m able to phase through walls. Fucking A. In the worlds of the internet, this is OMG AWESOME.
I think whats so great about the Royal Family is how they’re all so relatable yeah. Its like any big family, know what I mean? You got the old racist, the crook, the gay, him with the dodgy missus, that one that done well in sport, the mental, the other crook and the dead one. Typical German British family.
And then there’s Wills and Harry.
We like them right?
Well…kinda. They both joined the army. So there’s that. If your country has millions of people all oathed to die in service of your grandmother its probably a good idea to join up and do something similar yourself. So thats a +1 in my book. Plus they’re both quite inoffensive and generally keep themselves to themselves and don’t harp on about organic biscuits or interfere in trade disputes like their Dad. A few more +s.
But what of the negatives? Well William doesn’t really have any. In fact, he’s a bit of a non-event personality-wise. Its also unfortunate that he’s reached that point in the life of a posh person where everything stops growing except your teeth and forehead. As for Harry, he went to a party dressed as a Nazi once, something the papers never seem to forget. Big deal. I once went to a Holloween party dressed in a Dharma uniform from LOST, I guarantee you I consider myself more of a dick. We all do stupid shit when we’re young. Look at Justin Beiber.
But forget about Harry. He’s just the best man. By the way, if you’re the best man at the wedding of the future king, does that make you the best man in the whole of the Empire? Cuz if it does Wills, that’d make a good T-shirt for Harry’s birthday.
But no, the focus is on William. And Kate. Or Katherine. Whatever it is she goes by this week. They’re the focus of everyone’s attention. Because they’re both so rich and white and happy and in love and living off the state. Its the British dream basically. People in silly outfits, in-bred families and unfathomable levels of popularity, its just like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. The only difference being the Royals forego the rigmarole of promising to do your driveway and skip straight to the fucking-off-with-your-money part.
But it is a welcome distraction right now. Taking our mind off other events. Don’t think about what we’re doing in Libya, or why we’re not doing the exact same thing in Syria. No. Think about the happy couple. They’re all getting married and stuff. Aint that nice. Wave your flags. Wave them high. Those same flags adorn the manless drones currently bombing the shit out of reporters and children in Libya*. Rule Brittannia bitches. Yeah baby.
*We don’t actually print the flag on the drones. But we might as well.
Be sure not to think about the referendum either. This is only the 2nd referendum we’ve ever had in this country and its on something as fundemental as how we conduct elections. But don’t think about that. Don’t think about the frankly shameless activities of the No campaign and their scaremongering tactics that stop just short of “vote No to AV or we’ll cast your kids in the off-Broadway production of Michael Jackson: The Inside Story starring Gary Glitter and a chorus line of Hungry Cannibals”. Nah. Don’t think about that. Think about Kate’s dress. Or what Posh Spice’ll wear*.
*a frown probably.
Don’t think about how the country has gone to shit in a handbasket thanks to lack of financial regulation, reckless government spending and then even recklesser(?) government cuts. Don’t think about how the rich and famous are rewriting the laws of the land on an almost daily basis as they attempt to keep their latest sordid fucktumbles out of the national rags. Don’t think about how the gap between rich and poor is widening faster than Eamonn Holmes’ waistline, or how the mechanisms for social mobility are being washed away faster than Nick Clegg’s shame as he takes his nightly guilt-shower but most of all, don’t think about why it is we even require a monarchy in our alleged 21st Century democracy.
No. Don’t think about any of that. Think about the Wedding. Wave your flag, cheer and when the Royals ask “Who wants to fund us, the undeserving rich, in this age of austerity?” be sure to reply…
“I do”.
